Reasons not to move to Berlin
Several reasons why Berlin is a terrible place if you're an immature personMove to Berlin or not move to Berlin? The 1 billion Euros question we all ask ourselves after just a few days in Germany’s capital city.
Berlin is a great city, full of life and opportunities, and by any means, this piece should not discourage you from moving to Berlin.
I want to point out that Berlin can be a terrible (yet funny) place to live if you are as immature as I am. There are almost as many reasons not to move to Berlin as reasons to move to Berlin. As a disclaimer, I will say that this article is meant to be a big joke, but you will find useful resources to move to Berlin.
Links, tips on finding and buying flats in the city, and more articles detailing the expat experience Fotostrasse gathered over six years of Berlin life.
But now, let me explain why Berlin is a terrible choice for childish minds like ours.
If you move to Berlin, you’ll see penis juice every time you go to the supermarket
And this is also valid if you go to drugstores since most of them have a section for food. But don’t worry, you won’t find actual semen being sold. It is just that the word in German for juice is saft, and the word for thick is “dick.”
So if you’re immature like me, instead of reading “thick juice,” you will read “dick juice.”
And I mean, penis juice is the least of your problems, ok? If you continue reading this list, you will see many more reasons why you shouldn’t move to Berlin if you plan to have a reputation of a mature and well-behaved person. I know I don’t want that. Therefore I moved to Berlin.
And penis juice is not the worst thing you can find on Berliner shelves
Berlin also will give you “ASS-Tabletten” for your headaches and you will see this on every single pharmacy in town. And during the summer, you can find a ice cream with one of the worst names ever. The name is NOGGER! How that still exists is beyond me…
Berlin, please behave.
There is a whole neighboorhood called Wedding
I mean, I grew up thinking that wedding was a party to celebrate the love of 2 individuals and all this bull crap. But here in Berlin, you can live in Wedding, go partying in Wedding, have a wedding in Wedding and much more. The options are endless! We have tons of articles showing how Wedding is cool.
And in Berlin, this Wedding will not end in a divorce like most of the other weddings I know (ha ha ha, I joke like your dad!)
And speaking about Wedding, how about showing your love for butts on your address?
Yes, you read it right. If you’re a butt man, you can find a flat in the street called Buttmannstrasse! I am not kidding. Here’s proof that everything is possible when you live in (a) Wedding!
On the same subject, I also present the Lift Ass Platz in Mitte, for the gym people and the Bad Street, for all who are tired of following the righteous path in life.
Do you want to tell the world that your Dick is hardt?
Yes, you read it right. There is, just like in the previous item, a way of telling the world about your sexual fantasies using your address. And this time is a bit more revealing, more out there. I present you the best/worst street name in the whole Berlin:
DickHardtStrasse!
Yes, people. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. And again, yes!
In the district of Schöneberg, you can find a street that for English speakers can only mean one thing: uncontrollable laughter.
Now you answer me, from an immature person too immature person, is moving to Berlin the right decision if you’re planning to prove to the world how much you’ve grown and changed?
No, the answer to this question is NO. Move to Berlin is not the right thing to do. There is a street called after having your penis erected. And the real reason is that it was the name of a person. THERE WAS A PERSON NAMED DICK HARDT BY THEIR PARENTS.
Wait, let me correct this: there ARE some people named Dick Hardt as we speak!
In Berlin, you will see a lot of farts
Einfahrt, Ausfahrt, all the fahrts. In signs on the street, on the autobahn, everywhere!
To understand a little bit, the German word “Fahrt” means journey, trip, ride in English. And since German is a very literal language, of course, that they will use exist and entrance as “in-journey” and “out-journey.” Which is totally acceptable if the number 1 in German wasn’t also EINS. Making it impossible for me to keep a straight face when people say entrance and I hear “one fart.” Or when they say exit and all I can think of is “Thank dog that the fart is now AUS, right? Being bloated is the worst!”
Not to forget the friendliest of them all, the Gute Fahrt. Where ze Germans wish you a good fart.
If, after reading all this, you still want to move to Berlin, let me tell you something.
Moving here might be the best/worst decision for an immature person, and the reasons you now know. But I also want to show you that it is not just Berlin that is a trap for people who behave like Beavis and Butt-head daily, the whole of Germany is!
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